Knock You Down

This picture here on the right is one helluva memory to me. I don't like this picture of us but somehow, I don't know if its a coincidence or what but all the other huggy wuggy kissy wissy lovey dovey pictures has magically disappeared. I must have deleted them in the account of trying to erase the memory.

He's my ex boyfriend from Nov 2008. I still feel bad that I used him as a rebound to get over my ex boyfriend then. I wouldn't say my feelings for him were a total play. The truth is, I don't know what did I feel towards him then. In fact, I still don't know now. I'd call it love but love isn't feeling heavy hearted to go out with him. I'd call it pretend but pretending isn't getting really really truly upset about fights and getting jealous about other girls. I'd call it fake but I thought I really did have strong feelings for him.

Breaking up with him after I realized what I truly felt for him was not easy. Weeks before that, I was already feeling nonchalant about our relationship. I was bored all the time, I never bothered to think about him, and I really found his company a drag. He clung on to me whenever we were out and the fact is, we never had anything in common.

I know I'm going to get what I deserved for using him, one day. I couldn't help it. The heartbreak from my previous relationship really tore me apart. His presence then helped to patch me up. I guess he was just going for the wrong girl at the wrong time. Just for the record, I'm really sorry Aqil, I know you probably don't care and I'm glad you don't. You were an angel in the relationship and I can't express how happy I am that you finally found someone else.

The reason why I even brought this up is because relationships have never turned out good for me. Well, logically it shouldn't because breakups do happen, especially at my age. Ever since the breakup with Aqil, I fell in love again. Twice. Stupidly. The first was in late January where a mutual friend who is much much older (by 9 years to be precise) came over for a party. Skipping through the events, I found myself falling for him hard. He had a great sense of humour, cute looks, to-die for fashion and we had things that we both loved. Every phone call with him etched a memory in my heart coz it was loud, funny and just plain memorable. I thought it was all gonna work out fine but I knew inside straight up damn well that it wouldn't. He was constantly flirting, using lame excuses and never actually bothered to contact me. I did all the work. Soon we just fell apart and I fell "out of love".

In late May, another guy whom I have known for a year or so by reputation, asked for my number. He was my ex best friend's ex boyfriend and I knew he was a playboy. And you know, playboys are sweet talkers and this I can tell you from first hand experience. I was stupid to fall for his words that fed my ego, my longing for a boy who I thought really loved me and basically, I was struck. I can't make you comprehend why, but I was oh-so dumbfounded by everything he said. For once, I thought I was on top of the world. But one small teeny weeny fight and he just left me to the sharks. I was d-e-pressed! I tried my best to get over him and I pulled through day by day trying not think/hate him.

The worst part was, I wasn't even in a proper declared relationship with those two. But hey, I fell, and got back up. I'm stronger now. It's the experience that carves me into who I am now. Both had mentioned that I'm different than others. They may have been bullshitting then but I know damn well that I am different.

I was trying to stay away from guys since evidently I don't do well with relationships. Plus, my happy happy examinations are getting closer. Call me an idiot or call me a fool, but right now, I'm falling again.

This time I know it's real. I've known the guy for a fairly long time so it's safe to say he's not pulling my leg. He makes me laugh and I know I can just be myself when I'm talking to him. I know its dumb. After all that nostalgia about bad relationships, what the fuck am I doing, right? Hey, I can't help it okay? Call me a bitch if you must, but I never lie about how I feel. I'm falling hard and fast this past month and I'm just waiting to see what happens. I know he can read this anytime but I don't care.

I think I love you, Zakwan, promise me we will work :)