Inconsolable (:

okay, so I'm gonna blog properly now after loads of crapping (refer to the 2 previous posts)

well, I'm kinda like in a crisis now.

i can't decide.

it's difficult.

i have to choose whether i want to stay with my mum and continue going to this effed up school or stay with my dad and go to any school i want in PJ.

gosh, to stay with my dad and go to any school i want is heaven on earth for me.

but to leave my mum alone in sepang with the maid, is just unfair.

i know perfectly well that my dad isn't capable of taking care of my sister and i physically, mentally and well, money-wise.

yet, i would just LOVE to stay with my dad. i DON'T wanna go to my current school anymore, it just doesn't satisfy me here. yeah, I've got that boyfriend and best friends of mine and my mum to take care of (for those who know me well enough, you know why) but i don't see why i should continue staying in a school which i dislike so much. so I'm really thinking hard. i can't decide after y pmr results cos it'll be a bit too late to change school and mum and dad both like to plan early.

anyway, that's up to me to decide. and what i decide also determines my sister's high school life. you know, I'm gonna be realistic here. you can hate me after reading what iv got to say but i don't care. well, here goes. in this school, where I'm kinda like the only not-typical Chinese. typical as in Chinese-speaking, anti-Malay, Buddhist Chinese. I'm not that. I'm the exact opposite. i don't speak a word of Chinese, my friends are all Malays and I'm christian. so, I'm actually fitting in pretty well in this school. I'm accepted by the 'higher class'. 'higher class' as in the Malays, cos they outnumber the Indians and Chinese, also giving them the idea that they rule the school. so yeah, I'm kinda like friends with those people. some people in this school love me, some just can't stand me. either way, they know me cos I'm..well, popular. yeah. fine, hate me. i said i was popular. scream, go crazy, watch the world burn to the ground, whatever. i know I'm popular in my school for both bad and good reasons. yeah, im popular but i still don't like it.

knowing this, i feel pretty good about myself. but. but but but.. if i go to any school in PJ, I'll just be your typical friendly classmate. yeah, I'm fine with that. actually, i would prefer that. but i keep wondering, would i miss the 'popular' life? in primary school, i was that typical classmate but in secondary school, I'm not. I'm actually being noticed. it was a HUGE culture shock for me. if i go back to a school in PJ, i won't be noticed. i know that cos i just do. okay fine, my dad told me i should just be myself and people should accept me for who i am, and i agree with him. but i hated my primary school life. i was constantly thinking whether people enjoyed my company or hated the sight of me. or whether my best friend was backstabbing me or the guy i like is hating me. i don't want that life anymore. maybe now that I'm in secondary school, its different and people are more mature but how sure can i be of that? it still seems to be the same to me. the person that used to be my good friend in primary school isn't talking to me now, at all for reasons which i have no idea of. I'm ignoring that, and living life. she wants to be immature, fine with me.

gosh, i can't believe i just switched into confession mode so fast.

anyway, after reading all that, if u did, you might wanna hate me, eat me or just hug me, and that's totally up to you. its what i feel and i thought that's what blogs were for. for freedom of speech and expression.

okay, enough with the emo-ness.

honestly, pmr was okay for me. i don't think i can get straight A's. especially since i just tembak-ed half of my sejarah paper. it was just horrendous. and paper 2, bm was shocking for me since i didn't study pengajaran at all. other than that, the rest was okay. hopefully i can get at least 5A's. well, we shall find out this December, ay. i don't have a phone anymore, btw, for all those who have been trying to call me. phone's at the hospital and line has been cut. so yeah. sorry.

i've had enough of crapping now. i need some chewing gum. i'll update later (:

bye.